The following were actually taken from recent classified ads in newspapers:

FREE PUPPIES:
COCKER SPANIEL - SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
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FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 YEARS OLD, UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG
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1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB - $850/offer
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AMANA WASHER $100.
OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.
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SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE....
ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS
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FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART DOG
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WEDDING GOWN FOR SALE
ONLY WORN ONCE, BY MISTAKE
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2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES:
1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR $15
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TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
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COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED...
ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE
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83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK - $2000
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STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT - $15
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GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs.
NEUTERED, SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE
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FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS
WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME
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FOR SALE:
LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50
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NORDIC TRACK $300
HARDLY USED *************
CALL CHUBBY ************
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BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING
"WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"
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SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS
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FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG
LOOKS LIKE A RAT.
BEEN OUT AWHILE.
BETTER BE REWARD
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HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER
"IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT"
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HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
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GEORGIA PEACHES
CALIFORNIA GROWN
89 cents lb.
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NICE PARACHUTE -
NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE
SLIGHTLY STAINED
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AMERICAN FLAG
60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED $100
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TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR
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NOTICE:
TO THE PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE. PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VICINITY ARE DEAD
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EXERCISE EQUIPMENT:
QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS - $175
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OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER
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JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
MUST SELL WASHER AND DRYER - $300
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LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY
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ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER
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GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.
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GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL.
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BAR S SLICED BALOGNA
REGULAR OR TASTY
SAVE 30 CENTS ON 2
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OPEN HOUSE
BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON
FREE COFFEE AND DONUTS
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KELLOG'S POT TARTS - $1.99 box
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FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN - $2.09 lb
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FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannic. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything